Eddie is here. We went out to eat... and to watch The Fast & The Furious. I like cars. Yes, yes I do.
June 30, 2001
Pain is a terrible thing... and guilt is worse. I feel for ya, Hal.
Cool song: Rivers by Sugar Ray and Weezer. You have to hear it... that is if you like Weezer and Sugar Ray. I nevr really thought the two would sound cool together, but I was wrong. If you cannot find it, I will upload it for you... jus e-mail me.
More music: I have found a moderately good collection of mp3s at Abercrombie... yes, they have music... and some pretty cool videos too. I suggest downloading all the mp3s... they are different. I don't know about you, but I need to listen to something different every once in a while. I get bored of the same old crap.
Clothing: American Eagle is having a sale... am I temped? Yes. Sure would be nice to have some extra money now... or always. Heh heh. Take a look around... they are owned by Abercrombie... and that is easy to see.
I just finished my first rough for FeistyChicken. Tell me what you think.
Good morning. Slept like crap last night. I just could not fall asleep. Oh well... time to get to work now.
June 29, 2001
Windows XP is being released on my birthday... I wander what I will be buying myself.
ZDNet: While previous reports slated Microsoft's intended release date for its upcoming Windows XP operating system in "the second half of this year," the company itself announced today that the OS will arrive on Thursday, October 25th of this year. At that time, Windows XP will be installed on new PCs and available at retail locations in both full and upgrade versions, according to the company.
love (luv) n.
A deep, tender, ineffable feeling of affection and solicitude toward a person, such as that arising from kinship, recognition of attractive qualities, or a sense of underlying oneness.Such a seemly simple thing, but I don't think I will ever understand it... not when the time is right anyway. I am sitting here looking back... thinking about how much I really loved it all.
I don't really believe that the end of anything is truely the beginning of anything. I think everything just lasts forever... even if you have to struggle, you can still remember it. Somethings stick out in my mind more than others... but somethings are just there. All the time... floating around in my skull... always sitting on the back of my tongue. Those are the important things right?
Today... today... what a day of thought and reflection. I am starting something new... all new. I am happy, sad, and horrified... and all at once. I ran out of fingers and toes listing off the things that make me happy... so I did bother with the list for sad and horrified. Those lists will just have to create themselves.
This is what I should be doing... I should have done this a long time ago, but better late than never, huh? There is quite a bit of comfort in the fear I am feeling. It is like a good kind of hurt... yeah, this is going to be painful month to month... but it is going to feel so good year to year. And maybe in a few years, I will starting over again... I hope so.
I can always use a new beginning.
Song of the moment:
When it's overEddie is going to be here in the morning... I think. It will be good to hang out for a while. Eddie is a fun and cool guy. He makes me look like I am standing still, but hey... someone has too, right?
That's the time I fall in love again
And when it's over
That's the time you're in my heart again
And it never ends
All the things that I used to say
All the words that got in the way
All the things that I used to know
Have gone out the window
All the things that she used to bring
All the songs she used to sing
All the favorite TV shows
Have gone out the window
I'm missing you
I never knew how much she'd loved me
I'm missing you
I never knew how much you meant to me
I need you and when you go go go go
I know, it never ends, never ends
All the things that I used to say
All the words that got in the way
All the things that I used to know
Have gone out the window
All the things that she used to bring
All the songs she used to sing
All the favorite TV shows
Have gone out the window
When it's over
Can I still come over
In the middle of the night
When it's over
Is it really over
Or are you coming back this time, this time, this time
All the things that I used to say
All the words that got in the way
All the things that I used to know
Have gone out the window
All the things that she used to bring
All the songs she used to sing
All the favorite TV shows
Have gone out the window
All the things that I used to say
All the words that got in the way
All the things that I used to know
Have gone out the window
All the things that she used to bring
All the songs she used to sing
All the favorite TV shows
Have gone out the window
I am going to start working on a few new projects in the morning (which means I am not sleeping in). Project one: write a few article for eDevCafe. Project two: concept and desgn for FeistyChicken. And packing... that is right, Super Ong. I will be packing too. I cannot let you be right all the time.
Love your Merc?: Heard the new Sugar Ray song... ? No... well, it is just plain old cool... and I sit here telling myself, "do not purchase, do not purchase...". Oh the pain of having no money... or a job. Heh heh.
I have issues. I have two... umm... three... major vises... maybe four, but let say three for now. Let's start with the little ones and end with the big ones... shall we? Three, domain names... yeah, I own too many. And I like to think of more that I don't really need... example: whydoiownthis.com. I don't own it, but I want it. Two... music... I love music. There are very few seconds in a day that have silience. I would almost rather go with out air then music. Yeah... music. One, tech toys and hobbies... they can consume me without effort... and I go all the way. With the move, I am giving up the toys and hobbies. They are going into a box to be forgotten until the cash flow rises to the 'you can breath now' level... and that may be a long while. I may have to come up with a few new bad habits. I am planning on turning to knowledge... I wanna be a junkie... a knowledge junkie. I have a million and I half things that I would like to learn... so now is the time. I am going to be doing a lot of reading and practicing.
Now that I am rested, it is now time to plot the death of the word. Such a fun thing to do over the weekend.
Nap time... I dig this.
I like long stress-free showers. I like getting up at 9am. I like not having anything to do. I like being unemployed... for today.
I have no job. You have no idea what a weird feeling this is for me. I have been working almost non-stop for 4-5. I have even had 3 jobs a once... and now, none. Just plain strange.
June 28, 2001
"If you know what is good for you, then you will stay away from me." I either got too much or not enough sleep... I am feeling a bit grumpy this morning. Looks like it is going to have to be a cafeinated morning... I am thinking a double irishcreme mocha... that should do it.
We are having a small 'drinking' party after work today. Ought to be fun. We are all going to Red Robbin at about 4 for happy hour... which I was told is a happy three hours. Who names these things... people who cannot count?
Deb and Don come back either tonight or tomorrow. I have had the house to myself for about 5 weeks... and I was digging it. Walking accross the house in your boxers to get a glass of water at 3am is something worth having... or at least something I have enjoyed having.
New home: Wiz and I will be living in the same apartment complex with Ong and RubyRose. RR said that it is going to be like 'Friends'... and so she claimed to be Rachael. I get Chandler... and Wiz gets stuck with Ross; he is not cool enough to be Joey. Ong being the clean freak... yeah... that is her. Heh heh. We might have to start a new website for this... heh heh... 'West Coast Friends'.
Okay... I have 10 minutes to get ready for work... what to wear?
"That's the sound of your brain cracking... have you ever heard the sound of your head underground?"
June 27, 2001
I don't think 311 was ever considered grunge music. They are way better and very much above that. 311 is doing their own thing, like they have done the past 11 years. Why do you think 311 hasn't been that 'big' since their self title?? It surely isn't because they are making music to satisfy the ears of the public. They are making the music THEY want to and writing the music THEY want to write and they are pleasing no one but themselves, which is what musicians need to do in the first place. And to 311 fans, "From Chaos" isn't a comeback, because they never left. And true, other bands today may be copying the 2-singer style, but 311 was one of the originators to fuse together that rap/rock style. They were doing that before it was ever 'in demand'. "From Chaos" is an awesome album and it is definitely one of the best they have put out.
- Manda
Tomorrow is my last day at work. It is just plain strange. I could see myself working there forever... it is just one of those places. I am glad to be moving on, but I will miss work. I have learned a ton... and had a really good time.
There are a few 'good things' in the works. More info to come about that... it is time for bed however.
New project in the works too... and I found another cool site + +
I have a place to live! The apartment has been approved. I just have to get through the mound of paperwork.
web·site or Web site (wbst) n.
A set of interconnected webpages, usually including a homepage, generally located on the same server, and prepared and maintained as a collection of information by a person, group, or organization.
I found a few well designed sites this morning. + + + + + +
I am going to start working intensely to improve my design skills. I have slipped a little from being out of school for so long. I will have a lot more time on my hands come Friday morning when I have no job. If I am not packing, I am going to get up early and hit the books.
June 26, 2001
Early to bed, early to rise, makes a man healthy, weathly and wise. I sure hope so. I am off to bed. I think I am still recovery from the video shoot.
Good news: I checked the mail... and no more bills today. I have to be happy about something. I have a lot of thinking and acting to do.
Hopefully, I find out about my apartment tomorrow. That will put me in a mood... one way or another.
And here is my final resume. Hire me.
Merc is officially out of money. All my sites will be closing one-by-one. I will try to give you a weeks notice before your blog disappears. Sorry, but the monthly internet bill is nearing the monthly car payment. Something has to go. Loungepunk.com is the first to get the bullet... more to follow.
DSL is on the list of things to go. I will be heading back to the world of dial up as long as I have a phone (which is also on the list of things to go).
I am looking to sell just about everything in my room... even the computers. I am in a highly painful state... trust me. The sudden drop in the amount of side work I can handle has forced all necessaries out the door. I need about 10 new clients now... and by the time I get them I will need about 30... so I am shutting down.
Nothing is going to stop me from making this move... if that means flipping burgers versus designing websites... then so be it. I belong in school... and I need to be near the school as a start. This move is much needed.
I have been needing a change in my life anyway. This is not the change I had in mind, but... eh. Changes are not always for the better... at least not right off the start. Maybe in a few months... maybe a year... maybe things will smooth out, time will slow down, and I can earn my toys back one-by-one.
It is more than sad to see the things you love slip from your hands, but I am willing to pay the price. I would rather be happy than satisfied.
I will be hiding here most the day... stop in.
Mother mother can you hear me I'm just calling to say hello
How's the weather how's my father am I lonely heavens no
Mother mother are listening just a phone call to ease your mind
Life is perfect never better distance making the heart grow blind
When you sent me off to see the world where you scared that I might get hurt
Would I try a little tobacco would I keep on hiking up my skirt
I'm hungry
I'm dirty
I'm losing my mind
Everything's fine
I'm freezing
I'm Starving
I'm Bleeding death
Everything's fine
Yeah, I'm working, making money I'm just starting to build a name
I can feel it around the corner I could make it any day
Mother mother can you hear me yeah I'm sober sure I'm sane
Life is perfect never better still your daughter still the same
If I tell you what you want to hear will it help you to sleep wellat night
Are you sure that I'm your perfect dear now just cuddle up and sleep tight
I'm hungry
I'm dirty
I'm losing my mind
Everything's fine
I'm freezing
I'm starving
I'm bleeding to death
Everything's fine
I miss you
I love you.
Okay... I cannot find my insurance bill. I know it is due really soon. I have torn my room and the whole house apart. Maybe it is in the car? Please be in the car.
Yup, today is bill day. Ickers. I hate bill days.
I just noticed that Thursday is going to have a whole lot going on... *crosses finger* ... let it be a good day.
June 25, 2001
Ong rocks. She is my favorite human.
I have so much going on in my head... the words are just not coming.
If something does not go right by Thursday afternoon, I quit.
Ouch, fatal blow to the head. There does not seem to be a single thing about this move that happens to be good. Not one thing.
The best things for you are the toughest? I am beginning to to have my doubts. All I want to do is go to school and get my BA and then my MA... not looking like I am ever going to be able to do it. Things have to start going my... they just have to.
I am fighting with everything I have to not let this get to me... it has already stolen the smile from my face.
I am tired of ugly websites.
I am cleaning up and backing up. Just getting ready to leave work. It is so very near... so many loose ends. They are not ready for Wiz and I leaving. I am feeling bad, but powerless.
Can we say "coffee"? I can... and I am off to get some. Nothing like a trip to the local cafiene station.
June 24, 2001
I just woke up in a panic. I thought it was AM and not PM... thought I was late for work. Eeek.
Ong has blogged.
It has been another long day at work. I am tired.. must nap.
Things to worry about this coming week: working, quitting, packing, moving, finding a place, finding a job, paying bills. Ickers.
Today is the last day of the shoot. It will be nice to come home and sleep.
I only have four more days at work. Kinda exciting, scary, and sad. Everyone at work is cool... cool people are hard to find.
Wiz and I are still waiting for thing to come through on our appartment in OC. We may be moving in one week. Whoa.
Back to work.
June 23, 2001
Just about 16 hours of work on not enough sleep. I have to make a call and then I am going to TRY to go to bed.
Welcome home, Ong!
June 22, 2001
I am my own worst enemy, but what can I do... declare war on myself? I don't think that would work out very well. I want to say THANK YOU to the endless list of people that believe in and support me when I don't feel I deserve it. I think such twisted things of myself... and all of you help me see who I am to you... and that helps in huge, huge ways.
Today, we shot action shot for the video. My camera angle and position was stage left... and out of the way. It was a live-fire scene with three guns — two pistols and a shot-gun.
One talent was standing in the corner of the room... and was supposed to run stage right when the other two talents busted into the room. As you could have guessed, he ran stage left... he ran right in front of me with two guys shooting at him. Not cool.
I looked down afterwards to find a layer of red covering my arm and the camera. They got me and the camera. I got shot in the arm with a real gun using simunitions. I have a beautiful battle wound on my arm.
Sorry, if I do not return your e-mail message (53 messages)... I have been working for too long today (14 hours). I am going to bed right after my Mom calls me.
Why would anyone want to be awake this early? There is no good reason... not a good enough one.
June 21, 2001
Liz is cool too... so cool that I forgot she was from Canada.
Blame Canada: While Canada may be the root of all evil, I would like to take two cool Canadians off the hit list — Ashfa and Shupe. You gals rock.
Just got off the phone with Ashfa. Put me in a good mood. Thanks.
"Don't be afraid to ask stupid questions. They are easier to handle than stupid mistakes."
Looks like I am not the only one that is at a loss for inspiration. +
It is early.
June 20, 2001
I have regrouped enough to make it through tomorrow.
I have to get up at 3a. I will be directing my first production at TRS. I have about three really good crew member working with me... one being Wiz... so it is bound to be successful.
Ong's surgery went great today... so I am relieved of that worry. I just hope she recovers nicely and quickly.
My head is swimming. I think I am going to drown. I have to get out of this house for a few minutes; get my focus. Events, rejections, and oppurtunities of the day are overwhelming.
"Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself."
I only have one thing that I feel like saying at the moment, but now is not the time... not the time at all. Instead... I... I am going to take a break.
Looks like Ong's surgery went well.
Ong is in the middle of her surgery right now. I am crossing my fingers, toes... and anything else I can. I am so nervous. I hope all is going well. I talked to her last night... she is a tough little cookie.
Busy day today. I have to finish up a site that a promotion goes out for TODAY!
I also found out that will be directing a video shoot for the next 4 days. Figures that I get to direct something right before I head off into unemployment.
Ong goes into surgery at 9a today. Wish her luck.
June 19, 2001
Still too busy. I need to write a cover letter for my resume. Hmm...
Back in town. As usual, I have something to catch up on before reflecting on the past few days.
June 17, 2001
Car is packed, Merc is fed... I think I got everything else done. Wish me luck.
Someone just remined me that it is Father's Day. Well... I would like to take a small break from the good mood that I am in, and...
Raise a finger on each hand up for those males that could not seem to handle the job of father. It is a job worth doing... and it is a job worth putting out a little effort for. Thank you for failing.
Just a few last changes to my resume... like speling my name right. +
Washing a black car in direct sunlight is a pain. I know this; I have experienced this. Anyway... the car is clean. I took the licence plate off the front of the car... and it looks WAY BETTER. Who cares if it is illegal, right?
Laundry is done. Woo! Laundry is soo easy... I am not sure why people make such a big fuss over it. The machines do all the work. Praise the microwave; hate the washer and dryer. I just don't get it.
Things to do still: Burn more CDs, pack, put laundry away, review resume, put resume on disk, call Wiz, eat, get on the road.
Is it just me or is Walmart the central meeting place for white trash and idiots? I think I was the only one in the story that had bathed in the last couple of months. And... you ever wonder what happened to all those 80s clothes? I found 'em... Walmart shoppers have a uniform. You guessed it; all those 80s clothes are worn by Walmart shoppers.
Now, I am off to wash my car... again.
I am back to doing laundry again. Woo.
My resume still looks good to me. When you design something that late at night... you just never know how good it is really going to look in the morning. Sometimes, it looks better than if you had been awake... and other times it looks like poo the next morning. I still need to read through it a couple more times; print out a few more copies; and get the whole thing with fonts ready to go on a disk or two. I need to write a few coverletters when I get to Ong's casa.
I can't believe it is Sunday already. Where does the time go?
Clothes done. Alarm set. Cascading style sheet fixed. Bedtime.
Completely redesigned my resume. I like it now... that is always good, right?
My head is still a bit hazy, but sleep should clear it up.
I just have to put my clothes in the dryer and another load in the washer... then... then I can go to bed. I have my alarm set to 7.32a right now. I think I am going to change that to 8.03a.
June 16, 2001
Something just flipped a switch in my head. I feel like I was just sucked into another dimension... and it is a very distorted place... must say that I feel very uneasy.
Things are looking new around here. I am just cleaning up before I move. I added an archive page... something I have not had since the beginning of my site. I also added the little '+' so you can link to an exact post.
If you notice any errors, let me know... and if it is a Netscape issue, don't tell me about it (I hate Netscape and don't care).
I am going to be doing laundry half the night. I kinda forgot to do it today. I also forgot to do a lot of other little things. Oops.
Feet For A Foot: Yesterday, I was buying a six-inch sub... and...
Sub Guy: We are having our grand-opening today.
Merc: Cool, doing anything special for it?
Sub Guy: Yeah... buy a foot long; get another one free.
Merc: Okay... extend my sub to a foot and make two.
Sub Guy: I can make you another six-inch and give you another foot-long.
Merc: Sure... that will work.
So for the next few meals it is all about subs. I still have a foot in the fridge. Woo!
Due to the heat, my soda intake is through the roof... two Pepsi's and a Mountain Dew... at this rate, I will be a Pepsi by mid-evening.
Just the stats:
3414 /merc/
2540 /antislacker/
1067 /dz/
1019 /kimbo/
1004 /britishblue/
895 /ong/
530 /311/
351 /blog13/
216 /farmer/
Just working on a CD cover and a few websites this morning... kinda slow.
June 15, 2001
"There is a shadow in the sky... and it looks like rain. I am so sick of mirrors... pour me another glass of wine. I said that I don't want bitterness... no I don't want bitterness no more."
Problem: I know it is hot.. but you do the math... and tell me. I just heard the air come on. I have every door and window in the house open. I know for a fact that I have the air set to kick on at 90 degrees. Based on simple logic, I am going to guess that it is very near if not over 90 degrees in this house. I think that is a bit too hot for any normal person...
So... I am going to clean off my bed... grab an ice cold Zima... sip and read about CGI... slowly pass out. Maybe it will be cooler in the morning... and I can then think straight, maybe?
What does it really mean to be "true to yourself"?
Back to working on my resume... it is turning into a life long chore. It is boring writing and designing something that is all about yourself. "I can do this. I can do that. I did this. I did that." I am making myself ill.
No mas resume.
Got to work at 7.07a.... only seven minutes later than my goal... and only fifty-three minutes early than I am 'scheduled' to be here.
I found a new feature on my alarm clock called annoying. I want to complain about it, but... hey, I am out of bed earlier than normal. There is a mode that beeps louder and faster the longer you let it go off... and it is a ANNOYING beep!
Time management? What is that? Know where I could buy some? I need a huge can of the stuff.
June 14, 2001
Proving everyday that nice guys finish last...
Back at home... the day is buzzing by.
Side note: Cold day old hamburgers are just as good when you have not eaten all day.
"Friend is a four letter word." -Cake
If you have not listened to B.B. King today... you should.
Decisions On The Way To Work: I will be changing the CD in my alarm clock as soon as I walk through the door. No more sleeping through my alarm. I am going to duct tape my to-do list to my forehead, so I don't leave it at home... where it is useless. I will be going to bed at 10p sharp, get up at 6a, and be out the door at 6.45a every work-day.
I will most likely have a photo shoot with Sixxx for his new website.
Day two: Second day in a row that I have tried to get to work at 7a. I don't have to be there until 8a, but it sure would be nice to get a little extra work done. I guess 7.30a is close enough.
June 13, 2001
"I left my heart in San Francisco with some club kids on a crowded street somewhere. The sky was red... and he said would you like to come and be a part of my American dream?" - Nelly
Mind is twisted... resume is more done... and I am passing out... or I am passed out. I cannot really tell anymore. All I know is that I have to be up in six hours... ick.
"Sucker-punched my own jaw while I was dreaming... should have gone to bed earlier." -Merc
The party has just begun. Still working on my resume... tough stuff. Rush, rush... my pillow is screaming already.
Beautiful Redhead: Score... Wendy's meal tonight. Two junior bacon cheeseburgers, caesar salad, and a biggie fry... can you get healthier?
Yeah, I still have not eaten. Time to hop in the ride and find some grub.
My car is cleaner... had a few interuptions. I have to get back out there and clean the inside before it gets dark.... then eat.. then work.
First Things Third: I am going to go wash my car; it is need, but not needed. It was a fairly long day at work (I would say long, but Ong has ruined that). I just need something to do that is not computer related to do.
And next will be dinner.
And finally, I will sit down and take acre of the million and three things on my list o'fun.
There is a new woman on my list... whoa nelly. This is NOT a Dido replacement... no one is that good or that cute... not yet.
This morning, I am struggling to NOT fall back into my same old routine... and I mean struggling. I woke up with that nausea that just screams you need more sleep. I know I got about seven hours of sleep... so pushing through. I am about fifteen minutes ahead of the norm... I would like to be about an hour head.
Today, I have to fix a few issues with my bills that I missed before my trip. I also must finish my resume. There are still about 30-40 messages (not e-mails for the sake of Ollie) in my inbox... I am working on getting to them... I promise. There were over 300... ick.
June 12, 2001
647.3 Miles Later, I Have Learned: That the truth is an amazingly powerful thing... overwhelming at times. I have learned about how little I knew about the things I was so sure I knew all about. It was a dizzying slap accross the face that has me... a bit bewildered about... everything. My mind been completely dumped upside-down. So while I may be feeling less stressed and depressed, I am a whole lot more confused.
I am making renewed commitments to preperation, commitment, and honestly... and maybe next time, truth will not hit with such a heavy hand.
Life is all about learning, right? I am learning more everyday.
Please standby...
The Merc has returned... and is burried upto his * in stuff.
June 09, 2001
On the road again. Wish me luck. I need a job and a place to live. Nothing major, huh?
I should be on the road already.
June 08, 2001
Sign me up... or at least last week I should have. Maybe it is a good thing that I did not find this site earlier, huh?
Waiting: I have been listening to this song since I got home today... sometimes punk just doesn't cut it. I like that solf 'Weezer-ish' sound.
I worked a very long day. I typed out the World's Largest CSS today. I challenge you to find one longer [+]. I have created three site today [+ + +]
Around MF: I am not sure if anyone has noticed or not, but Ong's site is no longer 'ugly'. It is back to being 'classic'. Please never post a poll in your blog... it just looks poopy (beg your webmaster to make a cute new page for it). There is enough rant to go around... trust me. Some sites have died [+ + + +]... or maybe just the owners. When did England start having elections? 'Your biggest fan' might be blogging about you... or at least sometimes. Sometimes you need something new... and sometimes you just need something that looks new. Punk golf is not really a sport... it is more like a construction zone (now you know what I do with domains that are 'undeveloped').
Song of the day: Karma Police from Radiohead.
Headache of the day: Bigger Drives website project.
Drink of the day: Double Irish Creme Mocha.
E-mail buddies of the day: Ong, Jenna, DZ.
Friday — day of relaxation: I slept in about ten minutes this morning. I just have to take advantage of the time. It is going to be the longest day yet this week. My list of reqired things to do today is nearing 30 items. Merc is going to have to be coffee powered today.
On top of being busy, I might go out to Area 51 tonight. My friend Sixxx is going to be the DJ tonight. So not only do I have a lot to do today... I have a lot to do fast. Schedule punishment is a beautiful thing.
June 07, 2001
I just about let the day get away from me... worked almost 12 hours today; went to my cousin's graduation; and just got home from a party. I think it is time for some sleep. I have a long day of work tomorrow and an even longer night of work. I should be going down to OC on Saturday... but I have a lot of crap to do... like make a resume and pay some bills.
June 06, 2001
Clean car, clean Merc, and all on time or early. I just have a video shoot today... and a party tonight. Today should roll through fairly easy (unless we have issues on the shoot, but that is just a given... I don't think I have ever had a shoot that went perfect).
Living smarter: It is about time that I started living smarter. There is so much that I do have... but I don't use. Time has to be my biggest waste... for example, I should be sleeping right now. I am not doing a single that is nearly as important as sleep.
I worked on three projects tonight. Two were important and one was not. I have about six projects that I wanted to get out of the way... and I really could have finished about four of them... better time management is needed. If nothing else, I have to start using my list method again. I am using my sleep-starved mind as a notepad with no back-up... that is not wise.
I am going to set my alarm ten minutes early... get up and make my to-do list for the day/week/month.
June 05, 2001
Okay... depression is over. Took me long enough, didn't it?
I am me; life is tough and about to get tougher... why should I beat myself up over something that I cannot change? I have no idea. Souned good at the time... eh.
Time to keep on growing.
No photos today... went by to pick them up and nothing... tomorrow I hope.
Right now I have to fond some food... because I have not eaten yet. Then I have to get about a million things done... okay, half a million, but that is a lot.
Missed the sunrise... but I had a good dream. I think all the good advice people have been tossing my way is starting to sink in. Other than really hungry and overwhelmed with work... I am feeling fairly good today.
I don't know what I am looking for... I don't even know if I am looking in the correct direction. I know that tonight the pressure my problems has faded down... almost to the point of nothingness... and tonight, I can feel my heart — completely empty and pained. The pain has no name and no face... just a torturous loneliness.
I need to go watch the sunrise... but with very little sleep in the past four nights, I must go to bed. My list of tasks grows longer every second... and again, I am forced to give some of them some attention... some attention that I find myself unable to give as of late. I need to watch the sunrise.
Maybe I will just open my curtains slowly in the morning... and pretend.
June 04, 2001
"I think I thought I saw you try... that was just a dream."
-REM
Busy day at wok... might be here a LONG time today. Vegas update tonight... most likely.
Home, Sweet Home. I missed my bed... too bad that I will not get to spend much time with it.