I am a strange, strange human being. I like hearing about me from other people's angles and views. I like hearing if I am a good person... a sane person... a bad person. It often turns out that people think of me dramatically different than I think of myself. It tears me apart that I don't know if this is a good thing or a bad thing. Should I feel like I am what people think I am? Or is it that thinking I am something different than what people think is what makes me who I am?
I go through phases where... I just hate being me. It is never that I want to be someone else... never. I just get sick and tired of all the things I hate about me... so I try to change... I try to be a better me... a me that I can live with. I don't think I ever change. I just play with my own head until I am okay with it or I just give up... I am not sure which.
Maybe I am not the ever-changing Merc in a slow-paced world. Maybe I am the never-changing Merc in a light-speed world. I just cannot tell right now. I like to think of myself as an innovator... pushing things and people to the next level. Tonight... I feel like I break things and push people of he edge.
This is not a low self-esteem pity party here. Life has so many fine lines... like the fine line between bravery and stupidity. If you take a chance that is against the odds and you are a success... then you were brave. Screw up and all of a sudden you are a moron.
I want to know where I stand. I should know, but I have doubt in my view... and still I push hard everyday. My faith in my hazy vision is a marvel to me... I feel like a machine.