The bummer thing about getting up early 5 days a week is that you get up early on Saturday too. I would really like to be asleep right now. I start rolling around at about 7.30... then kinda fall asleep... wake up at 8-8.30... and think it is about noon, so I get out of bed. Of course this probably is not a bad thing. I am just whiny. While I may hit the sack at about 10.30 or 11 each night, I have more daylight hours than most my friends combined.
I always feel like I am not being productive enough. I could be more productive, but I am more productive than most. However, I really like being compared to my own standards of productivity. I am trying to get somewhere. I am not sure where... but I know what I do each day, although they may be small, are steps to getting 'there' — that place where I can be happy with myself.
I want to look around and be satisfied with where I am. I may be 90 when this happens, but I want it. I am tired of these walls that hold me back. I know this is just how life is, but it appears to me that I scale one wall to peek over and see another one... a taller one. This is the point that I break the mold. I stand at the base of the next wall. Stare at it. Give it the finger and start climbing.
I want to look back at life, spit on it... and know that it did not control my destiny. I do not want to let my life happen to me. I want to happen to life. It is beyond frustrating when life does happen. It has been happening to my all along my life... good and bad things happen. I can deal with this... I have been dealing with this... I will continue to deal with this.
And saying all this, I do not consider myself to be a highly motivated person. I have a hard time getting out bed every morning (like I said, I would love to be in bed right now). There is a 'thing' deep within my core that takes the wheel when i am too tired. It is the strongest part of me. I would have been lost a long time ago with out it.
I am not sure if it is a sense of duty... or a burning hate of opression. Often, I can feel my skin grow warm with utter hate and defiance of life. I live not in life, but against it. I think it is a war that I have to win. Life is the force pressing against me, not consuming me.
This could be why I feel like a total stranger... and have for most my life. Alienation is something that has been a part of my life for as long as I can remember. I have never been in a place of comfort. I am an introvert — an odd one, but one none the less. I am a person that you meet in layers... not 5 or 6... but millions. I am simple, but complicated. Some days, I cannot figure myself out.... hmmm.
Today: Conquer the world. Heh.